Photo credit @cristian_newman
My Greatest Fear
It always boils down to Fear of Dying – always.
“Careful – you attract those things that command your focus.”
It’s a warning we hear over and over again. ‘Don’t give in to fear’. ‘ Focus on what you want.’
Hours are spent goal setting, listening to, repeating and writing down positive affirmations.
Watching webinars on
– How to win at life.
– Multiply your output/income 5x by doing these 3 simple things.
-Learn how to crate a life beyond your wildest imagination. – Setting plans up and writing the accompanying to-do lists. Still the feeling in the pit of my stomach remains
It’s the thoughts I push down when I’m trying to sleep. The self talk when I’m awake at 3am when the demons come to feed.
‘ I don’t want to focus on this shit!!!!! I’m sabotaging myself !
Get out of my head.’
Why is Fear there? What purpose does it serve? Why do I say it always come down to dying? What would a fearless life look like?
Then it happens – I find myself with no money in the bank. Betrayed by a business partner. Terrified about the feasibility of my business, providing for myself.
Did I create this reality because it was sitting in my unconscious?
The Purpose of Fear
As a primitive emotion, fear is ultimately about survival. It’s good to fear sabre tooth tigers or enemies with weapons. It’s good to fear extreme climate conditions or starvation.
Understanding that these things can kill you. Providing sanctuary from them is a very good thing.
How the evolution of the brain has complicated our fear responses.
As our lives have developed and become more complicated, so too has our relationship with Fear.
Our brains have more than tripled in size over the millions of years. Complex brains for a complex world.
We can store and process information in split seconds, including negative experiences, influences and expectations.
Solve problems and create abstract ideas and images.
Brilliant when we are creating our perfect life and in a great mindset.
Unfortunately, a combination of past experiences, limiting beliefs and an ability to create abstract images leads to some fantastically dark places.
Fear can grow and paralyse any one of us, at any time. Anxiety – increasing in all demographics in our society – is no more or less than fear of the future.
There are 3 categories our fears fall into –
Fear of being unlovable or excluded.
Fear of being unworthy or undeserving.
Fear of being unsafe – financial insecurity sits right here.
Photo credit @tinamosquito
Unlovable – one of the most basic human needs is for connection and belonging. Touch increases our Oxytocin levels increasing happiness and decreasing stress. Studies of babies in orphanages show that even with adequate food and shelter – without touch, they ‘fail to thrive’ – growth delay, emotional misery and death.
A lack of connection/ feeling unloved can lead to death.
No wonder we adopt compensating mechanisms; people pleasing, rescuer, martyr in order to gain the attention we desire.
We want to LIVE
Photo credit @miteneva
Unworthy – undeserving, lacking in significance. It’s the people at the top of the ladder that get the prize resources. The more insignificant we are, the less we get. If we are completely undeserving, we get nothing. Then we die.
Fear that we are undeserving means we feel the need to fight and compete for every morsel. Everything is a competition. It’s all win/lose and I am not going to lose.
I want to LIVE.
Photo credit @jontyson
Unsafe – the most basic of all our needs. Feeling physically secure. Knowing we can fend for ourselves, or that we have someone who can support us.
Fear of being unsafe leads to staying in bad relationships, playing it safe, putting up with bad working conditions. Being prepared to be a victim of hostile circumstances rather than risk the unknown.
We want to LIVE.
Our unconscious tries to protect us from unlovable, unworthy and unsafe by creating compensatory behaviours. It believes these states will ultimately lead to death.
So why when we are doing everything to avoid our fears, do our greatest fears so often materialise?
The Purpose of Fear Manifestation
Photo credit @fairytalephotography
Gregg Braden, in his book, The Divine Matrix, talks about the Dark Night of the Soul.
Sitting in our fears, allowing them to control our lives, prevents us from living out our dreams.
Fears keep us small and stop us from evolving.
Often, we feel the call to something more and sabotage ourselves in order to stay safe.
There are ways to eliminate fear. I talk about this below.
Eventually, if we hang on to our fears and continue to let them stop us, we manifest situations where we meet them head on – the Dark Night of our Soul.
We have no choice other than face them, challenge them, fight battles with strength and resources we didn’t know we had.
We can move on without fear and live a more fulfilling life.
This has happened to me twice now. Why twice?
Well, I let fear back in.
My first Dark Night was when my 30 year marriage ended. I found myself without connection, feeling worthless and with no idea how I would survive on my own.
The second time, I had plans for the future, and direction. Then got cold feet about going alone and went into business with someone.
I ignored many signs that things weren’t right because fear and false logic overrode intuition and commonsense.
Then they emptied my bank account.
At this time, I had a beautiful new partner in my life and I was terrified that my financial situation would end that relationship.
I was fearful about losing love and connection; being undeserving of more; and not surviving on my own.
Each time, I have overcome the fears and prospered.
A Fearless Life
photo credit @sammieeev
How do we live without fear?
How do we conquer the fears that keep us small?
The first step is acknowledging they exist.
For years, I dressed up my people pleasing and rescuing as being the best wife, mother, business owner, friend I could be.
I see that all now as creating need in others so that I had a role to play in their lives. So that I belonged and had connection. I would be loved – or so I believed.
The reality is that because I always put my hand up to jump in and ‘do’, it became expected. It didn’t make me more loveable. I was loveable because I was me.
I was terrified that because I wasn’t as good as everyone else, the riches and gifts others had would be denied me. This fear expressed itself as judgement, sarcasm and criticism of everyone else’s lives.
I really doubted my ability to create a life that would support me based on my dreams and ability. So I played small and pretended I didn’t have any dreams outside of watching everyone else achieve theirs.
The second step is removing the limiting beliefs we have about ourselves. Then the negative influences and expectations of others that we claim as our own. Our unconscious mind hangs on to these and they create the filters that determine our behaviour. Change these and the world changes.
Learn how to eliminate these and live life on our terms. Now, without fear around, it’s time to take the third step.
Meditate, listen to your heart, speak your dreams, talk to people who are aspiring to live a fearless life.
Dream big. Make the lists. Then do it.
Cat Valentine is a keynote speaker, coach and trainer, with experience in NLP, Matrix Therapies and IWAM techniques. Cat also has a Bachelor of Science, a degree in Visual Art and a Master of Business Administration.
She states, “My purpose is to share what I know and learn to facilitate profound change for people wanting to move on from emotional trauma and pain.”
Cat offers private coaching, group coaching and training workshops for those wishing to learn coaching techniques.
Gregg Braden – The Divine Matrix: bridging Time, Space, Miracles and Belief. Hay House Inc, USA, 2007.